What the dickens?!

This morning I wrapped up What-the-Dickens by Gregory Maguire and it was wonderful! It’s technically a children’s story, but it’s pure enjoyment for adults too.

The background for the story is that Gage is looking after his 3 cousins, Zeke, Dinah and Rebecca Ruth. Their parents have gone to the nearest hospital in the middle of a storm (I think it is a hurricane; it’s never explicitly said) to get some insulin. Meanwhile everybody has evacuated the hill where they live because of mudslides and rain and basically a giant natural disaster in the works. Gage, Zeke, Dinah, and Rebecca Ruth are staying put until their parents come back. To pass away the time and to allay their fears/worries, Dinah prompts Gage to tell them a story.

Gage’s story takes us to the behind the scenes workings of tooth fairies. Ever wonder how they know where to find you and retrieve your lost tooth? Or why do they leave behind money? The story chronicles What-the-Dickens’ journey from lost orphan to enemy to severe outsider/alien to helper and finally a self-declared outright rogue. Who knew that being a tooth fairy was so complicated? What-the-Dickens finds himself ‘born’ in a tuna can and under attack by McCavity, a menacing fluffy cat. Instead of fearing for his life, he falls in love with the cat and wishes to be her pet, but loses them. Before they leave though, What-the-Dickens mistakes the boy’s exclamation of “What the dickens?” to be a christening of him. Another thing he picks up from the boy is that McCavity loves presents. So the perfect way to appease McCavity is to get her the best present and then apply to be her pet. But what do you get a cat for a present?

What-the-Dickens thinks of all sorts of things and finally, upon passing the zoo, comes up with the idea of a tiger tooth for a present. The tiger, Maharajah, is scheduled to get a tooth pulled the next day and is heavily sedated. Because of this, it’s easy enough for What-the-Dickens to extract the tooth and escape without getting eaten. But what to do with a huge tiger tooth and no way to transport it? Besides, he has to find where McCavity lives first. A nearby mouse hole serves as the perfect hiding spot for a tiger tooth and What-the-Dickens then sets off to find something to help him pull the tooth along. His travels take him to a cranky grandma’s house where he becomes her captive underneath a water glass for a bit, he becomes adopted by a mama grisset, and finally he ends up in small house and meets another just like himself.

Pepper, completely disgusted by What-the-Dickens’ ignorance and complete lack of knowledge of protocol, she barely takes the time to explain what is going on or answer his questions about life in general. But What-the-Dickens seems unaffected by her anxious attitude and lets loose with his thousands of questions about why he exists, what they are and why he is an orphan. She gives him the lowdown quickly on her job at the house and begs him to stay still and be quiet while she works. After the job of extracting the tooth from beneath the child’s pillow is done and payment is left, the two make a quick getaway before being seen by the two humans.

At Pepper’s colony, What-the-Dickens is received with wariness and great fear. Pepper receives no warm welcoming committee either but she is not so nervous for her life as she is for What-the-Dickens’. Skibereens is their official name, but to the outside world, they are known as tooth fairies. Because their work is so precarious and they believe that all humans are evil, skibereens have strict codes of conduct. After intense questioning, What-the-Dickens is allowed to learn a bit of his history through a program that is put on every month in celebration of the skibereen culture. The mother of all their kind somehow transported from a magical world into this terrible human world where she gained the moniker Tooth Fairy by an elderly couple. She started the business of exchanging money for teeth and in turn harvesting teeth into wishing candles. Any person to wish upon a skibereen candle is sure to get their wish. Seeing as how the mother Tooth Fairy was pregnant when she was transported, she gave birth to the first batch of working skibereens in the world. They in turn became her workers and the women populated new workers every day. Each batch of skibereens come in numbers between 30 and 100 so workers are never in low demand. The bulk of workers are the lowly ones who harvest the teeth, do the grunt work and help keep the particular colony safe. A select few become the actual tooth fairies we think of and some are the top guns that run the show. In order to become a licensed Tooth Fairy (or Agent of Change as they are called), you need to be at the top of all your classes and successfully pass each and every mission you are sent on. Many times the missions are rigged so that skibereens who are found to be too curious fail and each and every skibereen sent on a mission MUST touch down at base before dawn. With the various destinations they go to, it can be tricky to do without severe time management.

Because of the precious work that they do, it is important for every skibereen to follow strict rules.  They are hidden and forbidden always.  This means that they are never seen by anybody, not even themselves; if a human sees them and captures them, they are never to speak even under duress, it is mandatory that they keep silent about their livery and die.  Since it only takes a day for them to wither up and die, it is not torturous but rather a waiting game.  One of the ways the higher up skibereens interrogate intruders is to put them into a brightly lit room with mirrors and thunder questions at them.  Most skibereens freak out at their own reflection and give in quickly to the questioning.  Skibereens never touch each other, they are completely solitary creatures even when working side by side.  This is a big reason why Pepper is so short with What-the-Dickens when they meet in the house.  Skibereens never work together; it is forbidden to work side by side on missions.

After Dr. Ill and Old Flossie discover that What-the-Dickens is an orphan and incredibly ignorant of what it means to be a skibereen, they banish him from the colony.  Despite his dumbness, he could still be an undercover spy from another colony; and even if he isn’t a spy, his naivete could cost the colony everything it’s worked for and become.  Everything a skibereen knows, they have known since they were born and their wings help keep them informed about what they need to know.  Since What-the-Dickens was born without anyone to teach him the ropes and his wings don’t function like a normal skibereen’s, it would be impossible to keep him.  They also decide that it was mostly the fault of What-the-Dickens that Pepper failed to arrive on time from her last mission and give her a make up mission.  Before landing at the house, she is to lose What-the-Dickens somewhere and say good-bye forever.  While on their mission, What-the-Dickens ends up helping anyway and Pepper receives a 2nd message that she has to do one more mission across town before coming back and becoming licensed.  At this point Pepper knows that they have set her up to fail and is perplexed at what to do.  During this time, McCavity walks back into What-the-Dickens’ life.  A tumble and a half later, the boy whose tooth they took wakes up and rescues Pepper.  In his mind, he is rescuing her and keeping her safe from McCavity.  To Pepper, this is death.  While the boy is shooing McCavity away and going to the bathroom, Pepper takes the chance to tell What-the-Dickens that they are breaking the rules and it is up to him to make sure she does not fail her mission.  She may be a goner, but she is not going down without a fight.

With Pepper’s precise instructions and What-the-Dickens’ newfound intuition, he successfully flies to the 2nd house, nabs the tooth (with a slight altercation in the process), scoots by the mouse hole to pick up the original tiger tooth and makes it back to the colony a second to dawn.  Along his journey, he discovers something very interesting.  When skibereens are born, their mother talks to them and immediately they know everything they need to know about language.  For What-the-Dickens, he heard McCavity’s meow before he heard the little boy’s words.  As a result, he is now able to understand (although seemingly sparingly at the moment) Maharajah and the mama grissett.  Dr. Ill and Old Flossie, disappointed that What-the-Dickens felt it necessary to come back and not at all upset about the loss of Pepper, do a complete 180 when they discover his new talent.

Meanwhile, the boy and Pepper reveal things about themselves.  The boy in the end of the story is in fact Gage, Zeke, Dinah and Rebecca Ruth’s cousin.  He confesses that he hates his cat McCavity and that she kills every other pet he’s ever had.  Therefore he is no longer to get another pet until he gets rid of McCavity.  This is why he saved Pepper; he wanted to keep her as his pet and safely.  His house is completely lacking in love and understanding, therefore Pepper’s brisk behavior towards him does little to hinder his curiosity or his wanting to keep her as a pet.  Pepper finally warms up to him, although very slightly and tells all about her colony, their way of life and her deep desire to die at home instead of in some boy’s pet cage.  They strike up a deal that if he takes her back home, he’ll be able to see the skibereens in their natural habitat.

I won’t give away the ending, but it’s pretty good!  The one thing I don’t like about frame stories is how you never find out what happens to the frame story, only the story within the story.  Did their parents ever make it back?  Did the sheriff come back and escort them to the gym?  Did the storm ever stop?  I suppose we’ll never know.